Monday, July 7, 2008 at 8:41 PM
· Filed under Blogging, Humor
OBJECT:
Create a short story using only the TOP 10 search engine terms (that were used to find this blog on the web) for each of the past two days.
PRODUCT:
So here I am in my double-wide mobile home trying to figure out where I can buy groceries this Saturday morning. I know that I have a whole bunch of these all-new dollar coins sitting here, so maybe I should head on out to RaceTrac. I wonder what kind of espresso they have for sale there ? I read somewhere on an E-Mail that I once received that I should boycott them because they don’t sell American gasoline, but I know that’s just an Internet hoax.
I can’t wait for the MASSIVE Homestead Pavillion to open up right there on Campbell Drive at Florida’s Turnpike here in Homestead Florida. I’m especially looking forward to Kohls and Staples.
Back during the 2003 blackout I was eating orange chicken at Panda Express with a Pastor from Nebraska (who incidentally shares the same name as me - Chris Day), and he was telling me all about how he was locked out of his own church door on a Sunday morning. He learned a lesson from that morning, and he passed it on to me which I went on to blog about 4 years later. He said, ‘Christopher, a modest man never talks to himself.’ If I only knew that back during my former Air Force life !
I often wonder what are the names of the large companies out there that would be willing to publish my autobiography. These are the things that I think about as I spend quality time here at home in Homestead in my beautiful gardens outside.
It’s great to be back home in Homestead. I’ve been home for a little over 24 hours now, and I’ve used this (Satur)day to relax and return to a more normal routine.
I’m looking forward to a lot of ‘normal routine’ things during this upcoming week. I’m looking forward to serving at Life Pointe Church for 3 hours starting at 7:25 AM tomorrow (Sunday) morning. I’m looking forward to attending the 10:30 AM service right after that. I’m looking forward to blogging the ‘Life Pointe Church Sunday Morning Tossed Salad’ on here tomorrow afternoon. I’m looking forward to returning to work at 6 AM on Monday morning. I’m looking forward to the weekly staff meeting at the Life Pointe Church office suite right after work at 4 PM on Monday afternoon. I’m looking forward to a visit from the Orkin dude on Tuesday afternoon because he keeps my home bug-free. I’m looking forward to hangin’ out with my Life Group at 7 PM on Wednesday night.
I’m looking forward to all of these things and everything else in-between that makes this Life the best Life that I could ever imagine. All of these great things are possible because of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He has made this Life especially for me. I am forever greatful of Him and what He did for me, and what He is doing for me. There is no-one and no-thing that is greater than Him !
This morning I didn’t get out of bed until (a SHOCKING) 9 AM ! I’ve already set my alarm clock for 6:30 AM tomorrow (Sunday) morning. Despite the late ‘getting up’ time this morning I’m gonna try to get back to bed at a reasonable time tonight (such as 10 PM). It felt so great to be back in my own bed last night. In fact it felt so great that I was in it for nearly 12 hours (from 9 PM to 9 AM) !
May each and every one of you have a safe and peaceful Saturday night, and until we hang out again here on the blog or LIVE and in-person - remember this (and turn up the volume LOUD !):
It’s the most anticipated blog entry of the week. This is how we roll on a Tuesday night in Homestead Florida !
1. George Carlin died over the weekend at the age of 71. While I didn’t agree with virtually all of his political viewpoints (as he identified them in public) he was still one of the greatest and funniest comedians in American history as far as I’m concerned. I will miss his LIVE HBO specials every few years.
2. I ate Chinese Food for Lunch today. I picked it up from Shanghai & Tokyo in Homestead’s Waterstone Plaza. I’m a semi-regular there. They usually give me two fortune cookies to go along with my ‘Lunch Special’. Later tonight I’ll have your special ‘double feature’ edition of ‘The Fortune Cookie Message Of The Week Club’. Don’t miss it !
3. Earlier today I went to annualcreditreport.com and I printed out three full and complete credit reports for me from Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. annualcreditreport.com is the only site that is legally able to give you free copies of your credit report from all three of those credit bureau sites. I did all of this in less than 45 minutes this morning, and I got over 30 pages of important credit information spanning virtually my entire adult life.
4. I thrive in a hot and humid environment (such as Homestead). I could not live happily ever after in a cold and dry environment - or a hot and dry environment for that matter. It’s hotter in San Antonio (where I’ll be next week) than it is here in Homestead, but it’s less humid over there than it is over here. I’d rather have the extra humidity rather than the higher temperatures.
5. I’ve become a semi-regular of the new Starbucks in Homestead. The people that work there are now starting to recognize me and my car. So far I have received consistent great service from them - inside as well as via their drive-thru. Let’s hope that it stays that way.
7. Some people have a chronic addiction to their cell phone. They just can’t stop calling people all over the free nation and sharing their private lives in public via their loud cell phone conversations. No wonder identity theft exists. Remember the good old days when telephone conversations were done in private inside the home ?
8. Homestead Trivia - How many miles apart are Speedway Boulevard (SW 137TH Avenue) and Krome Avenue (SW 177TH Avenue) ? The answer - exactly 4.0 miles. In Miami-Dade County each numbered avenue is exactly 0.1 miles apart to the grid. 40 avenues apart = 4.0 miles. It’s that simple my friends !
9. Me, My Brother, His Wife, & Fuddruckers - That’s the plan for Lunch as soon as I touch down in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex this Saturday. After that we will all go and play a round of minature golf. I totally dig that plan !
10. Next week your ‘Tuesday Night Grab Bag O’ Thoughts’ will come to you LIVE from the River Walk in San Antonio. I’m also planning at least a couple of special editions of ‘The Major’s Walk-A-Thon’. You’re not gonna wanna miss it my friends.
Saturday, June 21, 2008 at 9:03 AM
· Filed under Food, Humor, Travel
SHENANIGANS FACTOID - It’s exactly 2.3 miles from my parking space at home to my parking space at the Cracker Barrel in Florida City (where all of the gas stations arefood is).
This morning I walked in to the joint a few minutes after opening time at 6 AM. My longtime waittress of the past 355 years greeted me at my carthe entrance to the restaurant portion, and she was thrilledtotally ecstatic to see me. The feeling was mutual. She knows what I like to eat !
Based on Tammy’s suggestion alone I enjoyed the Wild Maine Blueberry Pancake Breakfast (with scrambled eggs with melted American cheese inside and also succulent smoked sausage). Are you paying attention Paul ? This was truly one MASSIVE meal, and I’ll be recovering from it (in a good way) for the rest of the morning.
You know I never realized that wild blueberries grew rampant all throughout the great state of Maine. According to this educational web site courtesy of the University Of Maine the state has ‘60,000 acres of wild blueberries (that) grow naturally in fields and barrens that stretch from Downeast to the state’s southwest corner’. When I typed in ‘blueberries’ and ‘Maine’ within a Yahoo ! search engine box I got back the first 10 of some 932,000 results ! I also learned that Maine is the largest producer of wild blueberries in the entire world ! Maine sounds like a very delicious state to me !
And so these are my ‘Saturday Morning Shenanigans’ for this week. Thank you for allowing me to share them with you. Until we meet again please enjoy this interesting short film all about wild blueberries:
CHEVRON - I filled up my car with regular 87 octane gasoline this morning at my favourite Chevron on the congested Homestead corner of Useless-One y Campbell Drive (SW 312TH St. / NE 8TH St.). It’s my first fill-up in exactly 14 days, and that’s a few days below my overall average. Typically I can go up to 17 to 19 days before I need to fill-up with gas. I spent $4.069 per gallon of gas (nipping the previous all-time record by a mere penny), and I spent a total of $45.00 for the fill-up (nipping the previous all-time record by a single dollar). KA-CHING !
WALGREENS - The highlight here is that I now have enough Omega-3 Fish Oil (1200 milligrams per softgel) to take me into January 2009 providing that I take one of them per day every day until then. (They had a ‘Buy 1 Get 1 Free’ sale on them this week.) I adore the bargain$. THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, WILLIS !
STARBUCKS - I visited our Homestead Starbucks for the first time ever, and what a quaint little place it is with such a quaint little parking lot and a bustling drive-thru. Recently my friend Phil teased me for only going to Starbucks for the ‘frou-frou designer’ espresso coffees that cost over $4. He told me that I should try out their regular coffees that cost under $2. As is always the case for me at Starbucks I get lost, dazed, confused, and sometimes even dizzy looking at their all-encompassing menu board. (Travis I am not.) In my entire life I can still count on two hands the number of times I have been to Starbucks. Have no fear my dear, for I received excellent customer service from my personal barista behind the counter. She helped me to make a decision on what I really wanted. I got the grande Pike Place Roast ($1.89) with caramel flavour added ($0.30), and also a pastry item. My barista also told me all about the benefits of purchasing a Starbucks card. As it turns out I could have gotten the caramel flavour added free-of-charge if I already had the card. I may get it. The coolest part of this particular Starbucks is that they open for bid-ness at 5:30 AM during the week. I totally dig that since that is a half-hour before I need to be at work. BOO-YAH !
… And those - my friends - are my ‘Saturday Morning Shenanigans’ …
B U G S - The bugs are back in town here in Homestead due to all of the recent heavy rains. You may be thinking to yourself, ‘Hey - Wait a minute. I live in Homestead. It hasn’t rained since March !’ You may also be thinking to yourself, ‘No doubt. I thought the sky was caving in on us yesterday afternoon. My yard turned into a giant lake ! My new patio furniture was thrown by the funnel cloud into the canal !’ There is rain all around us. Some of us have received a lot of it this past week, and some of us are still living in a dust bowl. Pretty soon all of us will get a lot of rain, and the bugs will flock to Homestead on their Summer break. Get ready to be eaten alive by little itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny mouths with glow-in-the-dark green eyes.
G A S - I filled-up my car this morning with not quite 11 gallons of gas at Chevron on Useless-One at Campbell Drive at the remarkable price of $4.059 per gallon. That’s about 15 to 20 cents per gallon higher than every other gas station in the general vicinity of that Chevron, but I am kinda sorta semi-loyal to Chevron, and I really wanted to use my fresh new Chevron-Texaco credit card this morning for the first time. $4.059 may seem outrageous to a majority of whining and complaining Americans, but $4.059 for the equivalent of a gallon of gas anywhere in Europe is known as ‘the good old days of the 1990s’.
J A V A - Speaking of items that we Americans love to spend a lot of money on - Starbucks in Homestead - not to be confused with Starbucks in Florida City - is OPEN for BUSINESS ! OK calm down Travis. The drive-thru is open for business. The inside of the joint is apparently not quite ready for customer utilization, so you’ll just have to wait a little while longer to sit inside for hours on your wireless Apple Mac.
One final item of interest - Many of the mega-stores and restaurants at the first phase of the Homestead Pavilion shopping, dining, and entertainment complex at Campbell Drive and the Turnpike are expected to make their grand openings between the middle of October and the middle of November - just in time for the NASCAR Championship Series at the Homestead-Miami Speedway and of course the Christmas 2008 shopping season.
Hello Friends. It’s the Monday night edition of ‘Bedtime Stories’. Thanks for joining me here.
Everyone needs to run - don’t walk - RUN ! - over to Harmony’s blog right this very minute to check out this masterpiece. I laughed hysterically when I first read it, and I think that you will too. I just couldn’t wait until this Friday night to share it with you on the ‘Blogroll Review’. Harmony’s been on a blogging roll lately, so she may top herself with something even more crazy and hilarious later this week. Catch it now and thank me later.
Paul is sick at home again. He caught the bug that everyone around him had over the past couple of weeks. Feel better and get well soon ! Sunday is going to be Fun Day at Homestead Bayfront Park ! You’re not gonna wanna miss any potential shenanigans.
I may never tweet, but I actually enjoy reading Phil’s Twitter messages - no matter how mundane some of them are. I think that The P.J. will outgrow this passing fad before the end of the Summer. Incidentally when are we going to hang out for Lunch at El Nachito ? I’m free on most weekdays between now and the end of June.
Well that’s all I’ve got for this Monday night. This is the night that I stay up late (past 11 PM), watch “Monday Night Raw“, and serve The Lord on behalf of Life Pointe Church here at home. I consider this to be the Lakeshore Campus of the LPC.
Have a great evening everyone, and until we hang out again here on the blog or LIVE and in-person remember this:
Since the Saturday after Thanksgiving 2007 not a single day has gone by here on this blog without at least one posted entry. That’s 163 days in a row, so why stop now ? The continuous blogging streak continues.
This is Day 164, and this is the Monday night edition of ‘Bedtime Stories’. I do it for all of my thousands hundreds of fans worldwide.
TODAY was one of those rare days where it was rather slow at work, and extremely hectic here at home. We had wide area network (WAN) technical difficulties throughout the day today, so there were long periods of time in which our computers were essentially useless with no internet, no web, and no E-Mail. I like to refer to that period of time in which computers had no internet, no web, and no E-Mail - as 1993 !
I pretty much came home from work this afternoon to use a computer that actually works - that is - connected to the rest of the world.
Monday is always a busy day here at home on my computer. Nowadays it’s even busier as I do a lot of post-Sunday follow-up work for my church. As usual I’m not even close to being done with it all, so the fun shall continue tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon. I adore serving God’s people at Life Pointe Church. My Life is purpose-driven. I am alive.
Also TOMORROW - Be sure to check out the most spontaneous weekly series here on this blog, as it’s another thought-provoking edition of the ‘Tuesday Night Grab Bag O’ Thoughts’. You just never know what 10 items of interest could be on my mind on any given Tuesday night.
Have a safe, peaceful, and relaxing Monday night everyone, and until we chill-out again here on the blog remember this:
It’s a quickie ‘Bedtime Stories’ on a Monday night because it’s getting very close to 11 PM EDT (bedtime for me).
Be sure to catch the fun tomorrow afternoon after 4 PM here on the blog as I present to you everybody’s favourite weekly series - the ‘Tuesday Night Grab Bag O’ Thoughts’. You just never know what could possibly be on my mind on a Tuesday night !
Until then - be safe - be at peace - and remember this:
It’s 10:30 PM on a Wednesday night. Do you know where your appetite is ?
When we experience food, fun, and fellowship in my Life Group we don’t play around. We mean business. We had enough food for about 50 people tonight even though there were only about 15 of us. That means that each person had to eat for 3 people. Since some people only ate for 2 people that means that I had to pick up the slack. Oh yeah, and J.T. has enough lunch and dinner leftovers to last him through the upcoming weekend !
It’s going to be another heavy duty afternoon of more food, fun, and fellowship this upcoming Sunday at Homestead Bayfront Park. BRING IT ON !
TOMORROW here on the blog I’ve got your weekly ‘Thursday Night Internet Hoax Hall-Of-Shame’. I’ve got a well-circulated ’round the Internet photo to share with you that illustrates the effect of a major news story from the Summer Of 2003 that caused an estimated six-billion-dollars in financial losses here in North America. But is the picture for real, or is it a complete and utter hoax ? We’ll find out tomorrow afternoon.
Thursday is also the day that many of my favourite bloggers post some of their best work of the week in a dire effort to get included on my coveted ‘Friday Night Blogroll Review’. Get to work bloggers !
And so that’s what I’ve got for this Wednesday night edition of ‘Bedtime Stories’. Have a safe and restful night, sleep tight, don’t let them bed bugs bite, and remember this:
A large company - feeling it was time for a shakeup - hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, ‘How much money do you make a week ?’
A little surprised the young man looked at him and replied, ‘I make about $400 a week. Why ?’
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t ever come back !’
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here ?’
From across the room came a voice: ‘Pizza delivery from Domino’s.’
Saturday, April 5, 2008 at 4:57 PM
· Filed under Blogging, Humor
1. Get all dressed up for an evening of all-night clubbing with Nathan in Weston.
2. Get all dressed up for a fond farewell dinner at the base for the Chief of the building that I work at. CHECK !
3. When I return home late tonight watch a 6-hour marathon that I have on tape of a week’s worth of “Monday Night Raw”, “ECW”, and “Friday Night Smackdown”.
4. When I return home late tonight get a good night of restful sleep in preparation for tomorrow morning at Life Pointe Church. Blatant Plug: Be sure to catch an all-new edition of the ‘Life Pointe Church Sunday Morning Tossed Salad’ tomorrow at a special later time on Sunday night here on this blog.
5. Bring my stapled, collated, and binded 24-page dissertation with me to Travis’s house tomorrow afternoon on how to improve upon the ‘Moonlight Easter Egg Hunt’ for 2009.
6. Bring my simple list of 10 items of interest with me to Travis’s house tomorrow afternoon.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008 at 10:00 PM
· Filed under Humor, People
Me: Hey I noticed that you’ve been blogging up a storm recently as the Ol’ Atom-Splitter over on Phil’s blog. Do you know about my blog ? How ’bout dropping a comment or two on mine sometime ?
J.T.: Oh I don’t have time to be reading blogs. I’m a busy man these days.
Me: There’s only 3 blogs that you need to be reading - Travis’s, Phil’s, and mine. You know those of your 3 sons.
J.T.: I have a 3RD son now ?
Me: Yes I’m your oldest son, and Trav and P.J. are my younger brothers.
J.T.: Well as my oldest son then it’s up to you to care for me when I get older and can’t care for myself - oh yeah and vacuum my living room.
Me: Well as your oldest son then I should be invited to dinner sometime so that we can look at old pictures of us that I’m not in - and then I can vacuum your living room afterwards.
J.T.: We can do that. Hey Anne did you know that we have an adopted 3RD son now ? The Johnson Family just keeps getting bigger at Life Pointe.
Anne: Of course we do. Have a great night son. I’ll see you bright and early on Sunday morning.
Greetings fellow bloggers - those who read and those who write. It’s time for the Sunday night edition of ‘Bedtime Stories’ - brought to you by Cookie Crisp cereal.
Here are some things that I resolve to do during this upcoming holiday week:
Wear a green shirt tomorrow to celebrate my Irish heritage in honour of St. Patrick’s Day. (I’m 50% Irish in case you didn’t know.)
Eat Chinese food for Lunch tomorrow to celebrate my love of foods that are green - such as broccoli.
Go to Publix tomorrow afternoon after work to do some serious shopping for food. Yes Venus and Kristina - even though I don’t cook my own food I still eat food.
Be sure to return back here tomorrow afternoon for another fun-filled day here on the blog. I may even have a fresh new edition of ‘The Fortune Cookie Message Of The Week Club’.
ME: Hello Chris Day ? HIM: Yes ? ME: This is Chris Day. HIM: Yes it is. Who am I speaking with ? ME: No I meant that my name is Chris Day too. HIM: Oh ! OK ! Weird. ME: I’m thinking about making a move to Bucks County Pennsylvania, and I decided to call you because I think that it would be really cool if Chris Day sold a house to Chris Day. HIM: Well that could certainly be arranged. ME: Cool. HIM: Where do you live now ? ME: South of Miami Florida. HIM: And you want to move here ? ME: No, not really. HIM: I don’t blame you. ME: Well thanks for your time anyway. HIM: No problem Chris. It was fun. ME: Same here Chris.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 8:50 PM
· Filed under Blogging, God, Humor
God’s Billboards
Let’s meet at my house Sunday before the big game.
What part of ‘Thou Shalt Not …’ don’t you understand ?
We need to talk.
Keep using my name in vain. I’ll make rush hour even longer.
That ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ thing … I meant it.
Will the road you’re on get you to my place ?
Follow me.
My way is the highway.
Have you read my # 1 best seller ? There will be a test.
Do you have any idea where you’re going ?
Don’t make me come down there !
Good Stuff there ! I found it online at this cool web site. Check it out.
That’s your ‘Bedtime Story’ for this Tuesday night, and with that I conclude another blogcasting day here on ‘The Major’s Life Blog’. Be sure to catch the blog again tomorrow (Wednesday) for some more fun and surprises.
Monday, March 3, 2008 at 8:33 PM
· Filed under Blogging, Home, Humor
Question: How much does a mobile home weigh ?
Answer: More than a rural two-lane bridge can hold !
Home For Sale. Beautiful View Overlooking Stream. Good Roads Leading To Home. Quiet Neighbourhood.
Well there you have it - your ‘Bedtime Story’ for this Monday night. I’ve got your ‘Tuesday Night Grab Bag O’ Thoughts’ on the docket for tomorrow, so be sure to hit up this blog then.
Sunday, March 2, 2008 at 8:53 PM
· Filed under God, Humor
Pastor’s Business Card
A new Pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
He took out a business card, and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20′ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, ‘Genesis 3:10′.
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20:
‘Look ! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.’
Genesis 3:10:
He replied, ‘I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.’
My friend Nancy sent that to me earlier tonight via E-Mail, and I laughed hysterically at it for about a minute. I pretty much knew that I had my ‘Bedtime Story’ for tonight right there. I hope that it made you laugh as well.
May you have a safe and peaceful Sunday night, and I’ll catch you right back here on this blog tomorrow (Monday) for some more fun and surprises.
